The "Let's Be Friends" Breakup Pitfall

During a breakup, there is not a one size fits all approach to continued friendship. One mistake many exes make is trying to make a friendship work right after a breakup. Often there needs to be space to heal and decompress from the relationship, and if the breakup ended on amicable terms, then a friendship can be pursued in the future. However, a friendship with an ex should not be the default. Be sure to temper expectations and not promise friendship when that is not what you can provide. Sometimes people will make an offer of continued friendship to soothe and caretake the partner they just broke up with. Avoid this pitfall by spending time contemplating what it is you truly want, not what you may feel you owe the person. Not pursuing a friendship is completely okay.

During a breakup, it is helpful to use mindful communication. Hurt feelings drive people to say malicious things, like accusing a partner that the breakup is their fault. Although this very well might be the case, especially if one partner caused damage to the relationship by breaching their trust, give space between your thoughts and your words. What do you really want to say? If you are angry, what other feelings are below the anger? Do you feel rejected, hurt, or disrespected?

Couples therapists are not only for couples who are trying to improve their relationship. Exes or soon to be exes can attend therapy together to consciously uncouple. A skilled relationship therapist can help with this painful process and provide both member's support.

Pictured: a pink, ripped paper heart on a string.

Dating 101: How to Break Unhelpful Thought Patterns

Pictured: stones creating the image of a heart.

Single people often get in their own way by going through a list of all the reasons they do not think they are datable. The common anxieties I hear amount to "Why would anyone want to date me?" When we dig into where the lack of confidence is coming from, it is often wounding from a previous partner who wreaked havoc on their self-esteem or from messaging received from society of unrealistic standards: not thin enough, fit enough, smart enough, etc.

If this sounds like you, try the following tips:

• Notice your thought patterns. For example, do you keep noticing the same phrase repeated over and over again in your mind? Time to examine these thoughts and challenge them. How were they formed, and are there other voices contributing to them? (ie. This thought sounds like something my mom used to say!)

• Don't assume. Often my clients assume no one would want to date them because they think a prospective partner would not like any of their hobbies or quirks. Love anime? Go to an anime convention or a specific anime meet up group. You’d be surprised how many people out there are interested in what you are interested in–you might just need to widen your net.

• Do a mini experiment. Ask your friends in relationships you admire: how did you get here? Did you have any doubts about dating? How did you get through it? Let others help you get out of your own way!

Working with a therapist can help clarify what barriers are coming up as you set out to meet someone special. Without knowing what is causing self-sabotage, you cannot address and improve it. By talking through your anxieties and issues in a safe, confident space, a new perspective is offered. Amazing things happen when you get out of your head and consequently, out of your own way.

How to Seek Group Exercise as a Trauma Survivor

Pictured: hand weights and an orange resistance band with handles.

If we know anything about trauma, we know that the body quite literally "keeps the score" and remembers trauma. Trauma imprints on the body.  A yoga pose or a weight training pose that seems as simple as opening the hips might not be so neutral for a sexual assault survivor. We also know that trauma can cause chronic body pain.

Attending a group exercise class, or even 1:1 personal training, can be incredibly healing when done in the right environment and with the right facilitator. There are so many easy ways working with a trauma-informed exercise teacher can alleviate unnecessary triggers for trauma survivors.

A trauma-informed exercise facilitator would be vigilant on their own body’s positioning. For example, if someone was assaulted from behind them (grabbed, pushed, etc.), a trainer would not want to stand behind their client where the client could not see them. They would offer touch adjustments only with explicit consent. For example, “Can I place one gentle hand on your lower back to deepen your downward dog?” Notice the teacher outlines exactly what they will be doing. Their language is not vague. I am encouraged to see some yoga studios using consent cards to be placed on their mat. This is a vital way studios can create a culture of touch consent.

In order to ensure your provider is trauma-informed, you can ask them questions. If they are not open to taking the time to answer them, they are not a compassionate teacher. Some questions you might want to ask are:

• Have you received any training in working with clients with trauma or PTSD?

• Have you worked with trauma or PTSD before?

• You can also disclose a small amount of information if you trust your provider and what you need to feel safe around them. Advocate for yourself!

Some people might feel triggered by the body’s reaction to exercise, like heavy breathing, accelerated heart rate, and sweating. These feelings can mirror anxiety or panic, which some people who have experienced trauma may experience. It is important to know difference: anxiety, or just the body’s response to exercise? As your internal smoke alarm may be falsely going off, you can use positive self talk like, “This is just my body’s response to exercise. I am safe.” A therapist can help you work on these reactions and thought processes.

Exercise can be especially fraught territory for people with a history of eating disorders or those in recovery. The exercise industry as a whole is generally not weight-neutral, but rather encourages weight loss and "working on that bikini body". This type of language may be triggering. As advised before, advocate for yourself and ask if your teacher uses a weight-neutral approach to their exercise instruction, if they have worked with people with eating disorders, or anything else you’d like to know. Usually you can glean some information from an exercise institution’s marketing. For example, are they promoting losing that stubborn 10 pounds, or joyful connection to the body and mind? Do they use pictures in their marketing of different bodies?

By being a conscious consumer of public exercise, you can garner another tool to heal from trauma and reestablish safety in your body.