Is Breakup Sex Ever a Good Idea?

Image description: a hand holds a pink, paper heart in flames against a black background.

Ah, the age old question: Is breakup sex ever a good idea? Breakup sex – sexual intimacy that happens as a relationship is ending or shortly after it has ended – has likely been debated since the beginning of humanity. I was recently asked about breakup sex for an online magazine: should people do it, or totally abstain? Well, as with anything, it’s nuanced. Here are my replies to their questions:

Why do you think so many people indulge in breakup sex?

Breakups tend to heighten emotion, and those intense feelings can increase the desire for physical closeness. Behaviorally, people may feel drawn to sex after high intensity emotional experiences, whether positive or negative.

How would you describe the psychology behind wanting intimacy with someone you just broke up with?

Attachment doesn’t automatically switch off just because a relationship ends. Someone may still seek comfort and familiarity with an ex-partner, sometimes alongside a desire—conscious or unconscious—to prolong the relationship, especially when the ending is emotionally complex. Humans naturally gravitate toward what is familiar, even in moments of separation or loss.

Do you think breakup sex is detrimental to the overall healing process?

Breakup sex certainly can be detrimental, depending on the intention behind it. If one or both people are using it to avoid the reality of the breakup or to maintain emotional attachment, it can prolong the pain and delay the process of uncoupling. It can also reflect ambivalence about ending the relationship. In many cases, a clean and clearly defined ending with boundaries around physical intimacy is the healthier option.

Can breakup sex be a positive thing and offer a sense of closure?

Breakup sex can be a positive thing by offering a sense of closure, provided both people genuinely agree it is the final intimate experience. If both partners are clear and committed to uncoupling, breakup sex can be part of the goodbye process. However, that requires a high degree of clarity and mutual understanding, without secretly hoping the relationship will continue. 

Francesca Bridgerton and the Elusive ‘Pinnacle'

Image description: Francesca Bridgerton sits across fro her husband, both looking away.

In Season 4 of Bridgerton, we find Francesca Bridgerton digging around to discover what a “pinnacle” is, after her husband encourages her to have one to help them produce an heir. While there has historically been some belief that the female orgasm might aid conception—often attributed to uterine contractions—it is now widely understood that successful conception does not require female orgasm. Still, if conception is the narrative justification for Francesca’s curiosity, I’m fine with that. After all, even Francesca Bridgerton deserves to learn about female sexual pleasure.

Francesca finds no help from her abashed mother, and only some help from her friend and sister-in law Penelope Bridgerton who describes the sensation without any pointers on how to achieve it. While her wishes for straightforward, non-metaphorical sexual education goes unmet, I wonder if one of her friends in society, if not her husband, could clue her in to where her clitoris is. While it would still take until late 1800s for the electric vibrator to be invented, Francesca’s well-read peers would have known about the need for most women to have clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Dr. Alexandra Vasti writes that sexual education books existed during this period, including  Aristotle’s Masterpiece, containing descriptions and diagrams of sexual anatomy, including an explanation of the clitoris as crucial to female pleasure. Importantly, the book reflects the early modern “one-sex” model of the body in which male (penis) and female (clitoris) anatomy were seen as variations of the same structure which we know to be true today.

Let us all hope that Francesca Bridgerton finds her clitoris, and subsequently her pinnacle, in the second half of Bridgerton Season 4.

Heated Rivalry + 4 Reasons Why Women Love It So

I was recently asked why so many women are smitten with the hit TV show Heated Rivalry and how that can translate into better real-life intimacy. As both a Heated Rivalry fan and a sex therapist, I became curious about the show’s positive reception from women, especially in regards to what the show got right about sex. Here is how I think Heated Rivalry captured the desire dynamics between the two main characters Ilya and Shane so effectively, and how it translates into women’s sexuality:

Anticipation and tension: Anticipation and tension are staples of eroticism and sexual desire—the coming and going, the will-they-won't-they, the push and pull. This is why many couples report that sex felt most exciting early in a relationship: there was anticipation in seeing one another, novelty in the object of desire, and uncertainty about whether the relationship would work. Heated Rivalry sustains this tension until the final episode.

Emotional safety and being truly wanted: Many women watching Heated Rivalry report a sense of ease rather than vigilance. They are not scanning the screen for consent violations, coercion, or sexual violence—elements that are often embedded, even subtly, in heterosexual romance plots. This creates a felt sense of emotional safety that allows viewers to relax into desire rather than brace against it.

Kindle desire – don’t set it ablaze: One of the biggest things men tend to misread about women's desire is the assumption that eroticism is about getting to sex as quickly as possible. For many women, desire is built on the way there. Tension, longing, anticipation, and playful uncertainty aren't extras—they're central to what makes sex feel exciting and wanted.

Consent is key: Ilya and Shane's extended sexting during long stretches apart, the flirtation and buildup before seeing each other again, even the playful exchange of hotel room numbers all function to keep desire alive. Sex doesn't come out of nowhere; it arrives after being slowly, intentionally cultivated. Just as important, the show pairs erotic tension with clear, ongoing consent. Condom use is explicit, and characters check in with each other during sex—simple questions like "Is this okay?" That combination of anticipation and emotional safety is deeply erotic for many women. It shows that consent doesn't kill desire; it creates the conditions for it.

The Dual-Control Model

I have been really enjoying Emily Nagoski’s podcast titled Come As You Are named after her bestselling book of the same name. I decided to create a graphic of what she calls her “most famous friend” aka the Dual-Control Model, inspired by the episode The Science of Horniness (click here to listen). Hint: it’s more about turning off the offs than activating more arousal!